The modern world presents parents with exciting new challenges. Our parents didn’t have to deal with electric cars, next-day delivery, or the owners of both publicly fantasising about space colonies because they’ve already abandoned an injured Earth. When we were young imagination meant children playing with princesses and dragons, not billionaires believing they’ll be able to breathe bitcoin in an orbital tin can. Please enjoy these tips to parenting in modern climate.
- Every time
you pack a sunhat include a raincoat and vice versa.
reading your baby any book mentioning the seasons do so in random order, shouting
random words and occasionally throwing the book at them.
- A good
raincoat and wellies are a great way to let children enjoy weather which, while
not ideal, isn’t actively trying to kill them yet.
- Explain to
your child that we got sick of the old seasons album so we put it on shuffle.
Now it’s a techno remix and every time we burn coal it gets faster. When they
ask what an “album” is take a moment to bask in memories of electricity. As an
Elder this will help you look wise and that’s the only reason the young and capable
members of the tribe still give you scraps of rat.
THIS SITE IS NOT A GUIDE TO RAISING YOUR BABY. You shouldn’t use any site as a guide unless it’s been approved by an entire nation’s medical association worth of doctors, and even then only the larger nations with more advanced healthcare. A single “expert” won’t cut it. Unless it’s Dr Spock, who has a pretty good record in advice for babies and everything else. But every other “expert” who turned up on the Enterprise accidentally compressed spacetime into an incredible adventure, or unleashed brand new plagues on everyone involved. Your baby will do both of those all by themselves.
The internet and libraries are filled with definitive expert guides on how to raise children. Most make Sturgeon’s law* look like the quality control in a pacemaker factory. 99% of all online advice is some asshole using your child as an expendable prop to convince themselves they haven’t already ruined their own. (Narrator: they have). Or trying to inflict the same damage on so many other kids that their own offspring becomes the new normal, and has an advantage because they’ve had more practice dealing with such parental debilitations.
*90% of everything is shit. Volumetrically true for the first few months of having a baby.
What people want is a definitive Baby FAQ. It doesn’t seem too much to expect. There are online guides to 100% completing expert mode in every video game ever made. It’s a bit worrying that the survival of the species is a lower priority than unlocking the Pepsi logos in Call of the Knights of Anime Part XIV: Wearing Bottle Caps As Armor. It’s because that game is the opposite of having children. Which is why the writers have so much time and energy.
I don’t have a complete list of Frequently Asked Questions, but I can answer the most important question right now:
Q. Whose turn is it?
A: Get on with it.
Arguing about turns is an idiotic cliche invented by sitcoms, and if we lived according to TV tropes we wouldn’t have babies because we’d still be sleeping in separate beds. A fate you invite if your first response to a screaming child is adding to the noise by badgering your spouse.
This answer alone will improve 100% of all baby-raising arrangements. Often in the early AM. As the wise Spock said, “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.” Especially when those many are your partner and baby. So boldly go change that nappy to let your lover sleep.
Parent plus plus, because
parenting always positive. There’s always more, and more, and more!
Parent++, because being
a parent means adding to existence and adding to yourself.
P++, because there’s
always more pee so you’re better off being positive about it.
Because too many parents
think that writing and whining are synonyms, that they’re the first people to
procreate, and that “there was poo!” is a complete punchline instead of the
most obvious and often very first consequence of becoming a parent. Because too
many dad writers believe staying interested after ejaculation earns them a Nobel
Parent plus plus,
because the whole point of parenting is adding something new and positive!
I’m Luke McKinney, comedy and science writer, and now that I’m a parent I’ll enjoy writing about that too! You can find me on twitter and support me on Patreon.