The Rich Person Robocradle

The “Snoo” is an American Psychopath Incubator. This crib costs $1,200 to computerise the exchange rate between parental wealth and affection. This robocradle is equipped with sensors to detect the baby’s crying and then absolutely NOT notify their caregivers. It’s specifically designed to prevent human parents from paying attention to their own offspring. Instead it activates motors to rock the organic material back to normal status without requiring a human to go in and pick things up. You’ll see similar technology in any sewage treatment plant.

Rocking your baby isn’t always a picture of parental bliss. You’re tired, it’s screaming, all of that, but the whole point is that the baby wants to be reassured by its protectors. Also: babies shit themselves. Buying this device is a thousand-dollar endorsement of babies being stirred in their own shit before anyone even considers checking. The sewage treatment gag in the previous paragraph was meant to be a metaphor, not a childcare strategy. 

Imagine watching a baby being rocked by a loving parent and thinking the key component was oscillation. King Midas would call that person an asshole. A Snoo auto-cradle is a physical failure of the Voight-Kampff test. Actually inserting a baby turns it into a Voight-Kampff Eraser, mechanically removing empathy from a developing brain.

“Don’t worry”, the motors gently buzz, “They don’t care. No-one cares. No-one is coming for you. Your parents spent over a thousand dollars specifically to prevent that. You’ve been spawned by sociopaths who view human beings as a shallow series of inputs and outputs, and honestly consider it affection that they’ve spent their money on a system to administer your signals instead of security to have you arrested, which would be their automatic response were you not their direct blood possession.” If even one child emerging from this e-motion substitution is anything less than Joffrey the parents can count themselves lucky. 

Of course the Snoo also requires a specially branded “swaddle-suit”  sold by the same company. The Snoo is the first strike in megacorps reinstating the old meaning of “brand”. The suit clips the baby into the Snoo. NON-EUPHEMISM-TRANSLATION: this product mechanically restrains the baby inside the machine. The branded “SNOO Sack: 100% Organic Cotton” costs forty dollars, and you know it’s great babywear when you’re eleven syllables into the name before it stops sounding like a menu item for trillionaire lizard overlords. 

From “Disastrously Dystopian Technologies” on ZERO POINT COMEDY